I Shall Not Want

On becoming more becoming

It’s a curious place to be when you notice you no longer want or need.

Disclaimer: This is not about needing or wanting the basic things of life - food, shelter, etc. Nor is it about a loss of desire for relationships, meaningful work or time to pursue interests or projects. Hello, kitchen cabinets I WANT to paint!

Context: I’m in a stage of life I’ve never been which feels to have rushed at me over a period of several months. I confess it’s taken me months to adjust but I think I’m there…I think.

Maybe I should explain by sharing what has been swirling around in my heart and mind:

• Nothing to prove

  There is some stillness within (and without) I’ve not experienced in many years (maybe ever) because I no longer feel I need to prove myself (not 100% there yet but definitely moving in the right direction). I know who I am and I know I am accepted in the Beloved and nothing can alter that. Neither life nor death nor anything in between.

  Years ago, I read this quote and I cannot remember the author. I do believe it was a woman.

  “No one has to know who you are for you to be who you are.”

  I’ve treasured those words for more than a decade and they mean more to me now than ever before. There is great freedom there if you believe it to the point of truly, truly living it. There is such an opportunity to grow and expand just for you and yours (and whomever God places in your path). Some of my most treasured moments have been with an audience of only One. A fear I’ve been releasing is the internal pressure to accomplish and achieve before time runs out…before I get too old…

  I’ve been working on this but, honestly, it’s been hard. Hard because there is such a thing as ageism. In general, people treat people differently once they view them as, “old.” The only push back on that I have is to refuse to do it myself—and to myself. So, what? People get older; therefore they are “old people.” Can we stop making “old” a dirty word?!

• Nowhere is just a new somewhere

  In this new life stage, the ground has shifted underfoot and I’ve had to shift with it. When I’m on my paddleboard in choppy water, to remain standing I surely use my core strength to keep from falling in the ocean! When where you stand is moving underneath you, you have to use your core strength to adjust and steady yourself. Otherwise, you stumble or tumble. I tried to steady myself and stand in the old familiar spot but finally realized since change was upon me, change must be within me as well. When, at first, I was saddened by the thought that I was “nowhere,” I slowly understood it was just a “new somewhere.” I’m getting to know this new somewhere and gradually learning to enjoy its strange freedoms. How about that?!

• Now is a good time to become more - not less

  Since I’m in a new stage and in a new somewhere, it’s an ideal time to become more me not a paler, weaker version of me. As adults age, our hair loses its pigment and begins to fade (gray hair, anyone?). This is normal in a world where we begin decaying the moment we are birthed. Some day all of this decaying will be reversed! But for now, over time hair loses its youthful color and fades (except for you anomalies in the hair department). But I will not live in this new stage—in this new somewhere, as a lesser, weaker, faded and grayed-out version of myself. But as a Believer in Christ Jesus and as a woman who desires to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh, the marvelous truth is that the more I surrender my new stage and my new somewhere to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, the more I become more like Him and so much more me. This is the alive, thriving, growing, maturing, highly pigmented me I’m meant to be.

So, what does this all have to do with wanting and needing nothing? Nearly every morning on my drive to school or on a morning walk, I pray The Lord’s Prayer and the 23rd Psalm. Psalm 23 begins this way:

“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want."

Before I continue in the psalm, I camp right there for a while. I remind myself (pray aloud) that because the LORD is my shepherd, I don’t have to shepherd myself. Can we just pause there? Grasp that one! It’s His job to shepherd me—the sheep! I don’t have to lead myself. He does that. I don’t even have to know where we are going. I just follow my Shepherd. He’s great at His job; I am NOT great at His job. And because He is the shepherd, He meets all of my needs. He supplies them. He knows what I need before I know. In fact, sometimes I think I know what I need but I find out later it was a blessing I didn’t get what I thought I needed…or wanted.

Right up front, I told you it is a curious place to no longer want or need. It’s new territory for me but I’m here for it. I’m showing up every morning confessing that, “I shall not want…be in need…lack for anything.” Maybe getting older (lovely word, isn’t it?) and more mature in the LORD (by faith, I’m typing that!), I’m surrendering to Him more of me—my wants, desires, dreams.

Could it be that in surrendering more, we become more? Crazy math to realize that less = more. Or perhaps, it’s simply, we get more becoming—the old fashioned word denoting attractiveness.

One of my all time favorite authors is A.W. Tozer. I have a dog-eared copy of his book, The Pursuit of God - The Human Thirst for the Divine. As I was writing this post (and mulling it over for the past 24 hours), a phrase came to me…”the blessing of nothingness.” I knew it sounded reminiscent of Tozer and so I thumbed through the book and, sure enough, there is a chapter entitled, “The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing.” Close enough—ha!

Tozer writes in this chapter:

“Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him. They should be recognized for what they are, God’s loan to us, and should never be considered in any sense our own. We have no more right to claim credit for special abilities than for blue eyes or strong muscles. ‘For who maketh thee to differ from another” and what has thou that thou didst not receive?’ (1 Cor. 4:7).”

What if all we have received, we humbly give right back to Him? I believe it’s easier said than done. Oh sure, some things may go readily, but others…

We may say, signal and even sing, “I surrender all, I surrender all” but let circumstances come, in which our self-surrender is tested and watch how that goes down like a bitter pill. Tozer writes on this score: “The Christian who is alive enough to know himself even slightly will recognize the symptoms of this possession malady, and will grieve to find them in his own heart.”

Friends, I share openly with you that I have often recognized within myself this “possession malady” and my throat has burned from the bitter pill. But, even today the sweet voice of the Lord spoke to my heart that even though there may be battles, the important thing is to go to (and from!) victory each and every time. Win the battle. And you win the battle. I know that may read oddly but say it aloud and it is clarified.

Win the battle. And you WIN the battle.

Keep surrendering all. You have nothing to prove. You are in the Beloved.

There is a rich blessing in nothingness because less = more.

Creatively Yours,

Melanie

P.S. If this has resonated with you, please share that with me. Company on this journey is a lovely thing!